I think it’s been well over a month since I have sat down to write a blog. Writer’s block is an issue I have dealt with since college – either I can write or I can’t. No in between, and no attempts to get out of it are successful. I just have to wake up and realize I have thoughts that I’d like to share, and off I go. Today happens to be one of those days.
I have the most magnificent back drop to be writing from this morning. Nestled in the woods up in the Lake George area, I am on a beautiful front porch at our best friends home. It’s early morning, and it’s just me, my coffee, my laptop, and the sounds of nature. My favorite time of day, and I can feel the spirit of my pop sitting right beside me.
People always say a change of scenery will do you good – and this most certainly has. Brian and I came up yesterday for the weekend, and as soon as we hit the road (alone…no kids/dogs) I felt the release of angst/stress/aggravation. And when you are with people you love, it’s almost perfect.
It’s been a LONG 4 months of Covid19 isolation/lockdown/quarantine. I am the first to admit, we had it better than most – our kids are older, and we didn’t have to homeschool anyone. But it was not easy at all, and by mid May I was feeling seriously depressed. Mother’s Day, my 50th birthday, it seems like it never happened, as my emotions were so irrational I could hardly deal. Regina swooped in and took me to the beach for a few days in early June, and it was truly the best medicine. Nothing was open, and we stayed in a teeny tiny cottage, but it was magical. Something switched back on inside me, and I felt as if things were finally going to be okay.
When I returned from the beach, it was time to jump back into ‘Mom mode’ 150%, as Caroline was having surgery on 6/9 at Mt. Sinai in NYC. This had been canceled, postponed and re-scheduled so many times due to COVID 19, and we were anxious to get it behind us. The hospital had re-opened, and she was finally on the schedule, and things were good to go. Caroline is 21, and legally an adult, so the rule of that week at Mt. Sinai was that she had to come in to the hospital ALONE, and they would call me when she was finished. No matter how many times we were reminded of this, I was bound and determined to stay. There was NO way I was going to leave her there alone. What mother would? We arrived, and with her glasses on, no makeup, and hair in braids, she looked like a minor. So no questions were asked at the first THREE security check points, and I was given a pass to accompany her. (Brian was waiting in the car, parked around the block, until I told him it was safe to leave…). Until….we got to the actual pre-op floor, and this tiny stern nurse realized Caroline was an adult, and I had no business being there. Boy was she pissed off, me being me, calmly (externally calm, inside I was starting to freak) told her and the other staff, security/admissions/pre-op check in had ALL let me through to this point, and I was NOT leaving. I managed to stay until anesthesia arrived and spoke to her, and then I was told I had better leave. Not so easy to do as a mom – I have spent many hours in this exact situation with Riley, yet I was never told to LEAVE the hospital. All waiting areas were closed, no chairs in any part of the hospital, and no cafeteria to wait in. As I said goodbye to Caroline, I was trying to hold it together, and as the stern nurse escorted me to the elevators, I was falling apart. I was bitter at the rules, pissed off at Covid 19, and just an emotional mess. I had to stop at the cashier to finalize some billing information, and I was still pleading for them to let me stay. It was at this point that security came, and escorted me OUT of the hospital with a hand on each elbow. I felt like a criminal. I called Brian and said I would be at the car soon, only to witness groups of protesters marching down the street, arm in arm, barely a mask in sight and certainly no social distance. So that was allowed, and I couldn’t sit in a chair for the day while my daughter was having major surgery? I will never understand this, nor will it ever be justified in my eyes. I cried the entire day waiting for the surgeons to call and update me. The good news is that she did great, and is recovering nicely, and she has a brand spanking new sinus situation going on, and she is doing better than expected. But me? I have mom scars that will never heal from that day.
As restrictions are being lifted, and statistics are better, we are getting some of our freedom back, and it has been a game changer. We are still taking all the precautions needed, and following the government’s guidelines, and it is manageable now. On the other hand, a realization has hit that there are people who disagree with the way our family is doing ‘things’, and they have cut us off. I was hurt by this, and still am, but after all this time I have realized there is nothing I can do about what others feel. We are the same people, and we make decisions based on what is GOOD for us. I am hopeful that someday they come back into our life’s, and realize that judging us was wrong. As my pop would say, it is what it is.
I am hopeful that my writers block is behind me, and I can get back to what I love, and what I know I am meant to do. I am hopeful that we can get to a new ‘normal’ that works for everyone and keeps us all safe. For now, a few days away, restaurants & stores opening up, quality time with friends and family, and the faith that we will figure things out, is what we have, and for me, it’s okay.
XO
KB
Finding my way... 